Thursday, March 24, 2016

Days Gone

My Grandma turned 93 this year.  She is a personal hero of mine. The past several months she has been enduring a very big health battle.  She has been unable to eat and lost a lot of weight and a lot of independence.  She has had many procedures to try to repair her esophagus, some have made the problems worse.  It has been painful to watch her suffer.  She has been blessed with great health for so many years, this has hit all of us very hard.

Since the health problems started my Grandma has done a lot of reflecting and pondering.  She has also been planning her funeral.  Something about being a part of all of this has had me thinking and reflecting a lot more as well.

One day, Lord willing, I will find myself growing weaker, and older, and having nothing but time to reflect on my life.  What will my regrets be?  What memories will stick out the most?  What things will I wish I did more of?  Less of?  Because I am in the season of motherhood where it's easy to become too introspective and evaluate everything and feel guilty, I am hesitant to give in to this too much.  Some reflection can be good though.

The days with the kids can feel like a blur.  I can feel so burned out, so over touched, and overstimulated.  I can regrettably say there have been times my kids have asked for a hug, and I say no.  I get easily overwhelmed.  That is something that surprised me when I became a mom.  The crying, the noise, the mess, it tends to overwhelm me at times.  I want to love and enjoy these days, but find myself wanting to crawl into a corner at times and be in complete silence.

Today I really wanted a break, I wanted to nap and catch up on some missed sleep with the baby last night.  But Micah was not feeling that plan and didn't want to nap himself.  I was so ready to snap at him,  but when I looked into his eyes and saw a little boy who just needed a moment with me.  My eyes teared up as I looked into his and realized in that moment he just needed me.  I laid down with him and we talked for a few minutes and I gave him a hug.  As I was hugging him I started to remember just last year, whenever I needed a nap during my pregnancy he would snuggle up next to me and we would drift off to sleep.  It seems like just yesterday...but those days are gone.

Seasons come and seasons go so quickly.  I sometimes long to go back and have a conversation with 2 year old Miya.  So often I wish I could get a glimpse of those early days with each kid, their newness and fragility.  But other than Moriah, those days are gone.  And even with her those days are passing quicker than I would hope for.

The reality is, our days are like grass.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  I just wrote about joy -vs- enjoy and I have to walk the line between being overly introspective, but also reflecting in a healthy way to live my life to the fullest.  I want to find that balance in life.  I want to freely enjoy the "todays" but also feel free to grieve the "yesterdays".  I think it's healthy and normal to miss days that have gone.  The day I sent Miya to kindergarten and cried over her leaving.  The day Milo learned how to walk.  The day we met Moriah for the first time and I felt so overwhelmed with love for this 4th baby that we didn't think we would have.  The day Micah said my name for the first time.  The days are gone, I think it's ok to miss them a little.

I think sometimes when we grieve over the yesterdays, it helps us to enjoy the todays a little more.

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